Growing Pains
Let me start by saying I have an 18 year old Senior in High School all the way down to a 5 year old in Kindergarten. Nightmare? Nah. I never thought I would be that person though. This is how my relationship with teens (and other ages) changed over the years, what I have learned, and what I am doing differently than before.
I was in my early 20s when we decided to get married and have kids. Well- nature decided most of that but that’s ok. I had no idea what I was doing. In fact, I cried often just thinking about how much I didn’t know how to raise a child. Ha! 5 more kids and 18 years later… I have come far from those tearful moments. Thank God! 😅
Note: this is what worked for me and my observations. Your journey may look different—but the struggle is probably very similar.
Relationship building over the years.
Every year looked different with each kid. Some were curious about boys, some were not. Some were concerned about body image, some weren’t. Despite what they were interested in and how mature they were, the conversations stayed similar.
Everyday I always have made a point to ask them questions. Make sure they knew I was sincerely interested. Yet sometimes, despite the carefully sung open-ended questions I asked them, they still gave a basic answer, “It was a good day.”, “nothing new today”, etc. etc. So, how do you get past that? Well here are some examples.
Relationship with teens and age difference examples
Let’s take Kate as an example. She’s 7 years old. She loves to talk but typically on her terms and her subjects. That’s totally fine, but once I start noticing she doesn’t want to talk about something, I’ll bend down and look in her eyes. It could possibly be she really just wants to talk about Barbies, or just doesn’t like feeling of talking about work at school. The fact that you will talk Barbies with her is all she wants. —Your gonna have to trust me on this. The more you talk about their subjects, the more they will open up to more sensitive material.
Then you get to the teens. First, I always come to them as a friend. If I need to step in and add some Mom to it I will but always approach like you would a girlfriend. This is where I focus on just being a fun person to talk to. “Hey, Pedro (fake name) is cute. Y’all seem to be vibing lol.” And I laugh cause I have no idea what I’m saying.
I think just like anyone in this world, we want to be heard. Heard from our Spouses to our Parents, from our Siblings to that crying baby and to well…even the dog that you may tell all your secrets to (I may speak from experience). Even if there is nothing to say or fix. Just listen (like the dogs).
The BIG KEY really is just keep talking to them. Don’t get bored. If you are bored, you’ll look like you’re trying too hard. And if your bored, they are bored and you are all boredl
But I can only talk about cars and Barbies so much!
Yeah me too. Kids are smart. They can tell if you’re being sincere or not. Here is what I do.
“Bubba! What a cool Truck you have! What does it do?” He then proceeds to show you. “Does it go fast?” He shows you how fast it can go. “Hey, want to build a track for it?” I go grab tracks or make tracks with cardboard. —-This is where they think ‘Mom likes me and my stuff’. From there I try to encourage ideas of play like, “Oh no! My truck broke down, get the tow truck!”
Does this sound like agony? It gets better. Plus, just spending 10 minutes of your day means the world to them. Before you know it, they don’t want to play with you anymore—so sad when that happens.
But! I promise, this play builds a great foundation of them being able to trust you and know you. It will pay off!!
Teens
As a definition of Teen, I would definitely have to include the age 12 years old and up. This really was the age where by 13, I woke up and realized they aren’t babies anymore. It’s a harsh reality. I hated it. In fact, if you all can survive past this age, you can do anything in this world! I promise.
What teens need
I remember being a teen. I also remember not having a cell phone or social media. All things we are aware of. But with that said, we think we know the difference but we don’t. Things truly are different.
I honestly feel that teens almost need MORE attention than little kids. My tendency was as they became more independent then I could step away more. Yes, but no. That’s when the evolution of the relationship happens. They go from tacticle needs to emotional needs.
A teen will seek attention. That’s natural. (Most) Everyone wants to be noticed and feel important. Keeping this positive can be hard but it’s not impossible.
What changed for us in my relationship with my teens.
Here is the whole reason for this post. I started hanging out with them at night for about 20 minutes (at least) every night. Somehow, this time seems to be a more relaxed time that makes for a lot of reflection. Just being apart of them and loving them for who they are is literally all they want. Spending time with them is key.
They do desire guidance—They want to hear your side—They want to talk about it. Being available and open (nonjudgmental) and a MENTOR is all a teen wants. Someone that loves them, embraces them, their journey, and appreciates them.
Listen, I don’t know everything. But we have ALL learned something from raising kids.
What ignited the relationship with my teens change?
Hanging out with them changed everything. We went from superficial conversations to in depth and personal. Also, I do these back and forth journals with my two oldest teens. They love it and I love it!!
This is one we use. I love it because they initiate thoughts and conversations that seem weird in person. We write a little at night then put it on the others night stand.
For my daughter we use this one.
We love these! They are so good and so fun.
Well these are some of my secrets to success. What have you learned?! I want to know what has worked for you! We could all learn from something we have been through.
Have you read about our farm story? Or my day I decided “Not today, Satan!”? Never a dull moment.
Love to your mother, and your mothers mother. 😘
Farmer Franny