How I Single Mom(ed) It Through

Many people ask me, “ How did you learn to cook?” It was a teeny-tiny bit forced, but it quickly became a love. I can’t explain how I learned to cook if you don’t know my story of how I single-mom (ed) it through.

Being a single Mom has a stigma. I was a single mom, and I have made it to the other side by cooking, loving again, financially thriving, and being happier than ever. But honestly, this post is about how I became a single mom and started a new life.

Starting NOT Single

I married a great guy… very young (like 22). We had three kids, and then…he relapsed on drugs and alcohol. If you have ever met a true addict, you know the difference between a problem and a really big problem. He dove headfirst into a different life quickly. It was so bad. I never understood (and probably will never) what being a true addict means.

Regardless, we both agreed he couldn’t stay there and make the choices he was making, so we decided it would be best for him to move on. Like any addict, he packed his stuff and left. We had different priorities. I was brokenhearted, completely in shock, without a job, without a finished degree, and a third baby on the way. My priority was family; his was… something way different.

This happened in 2012, about one month before our third baby was born. Shocked, but more importantly, I had a new baby to think about and two other little kids to ensure they were okay. I was trying not to worry about my husband out there in the abis, not knowing if he was dead or alive, but then I think I was in survival mode.

I didn’t have much time to think about resenting him; I was still heartbroken. But not for long…

How to have a baby in the car as I single mom it.

Yes, the next month, “Carly” was due. As anticipated, my husband didn’t show, but my best friend sure as hell did! Melissa was not just the best neighbor I could ever have; she was my best friend and, most days, my best counselor. She loved me and encouraged me and made me feel normal…somehow. It was a friendship that could never be replaced.

I went into labor conveniently right after I put my other two kids to bed. Pacing around the living room, having just done this the past two other years, it was very familiar. Also, it was very familiar that if you showed up at the Labor and Delivery Unit too soon (not dilated enough), they would turn you around and send you home. I was not about to make all that fuss. In fact, I was completely comfortable in my own home.

I call Melissa and tell her I am in labor. She drives over with her Honda Odyssey at about 9 p.m. She starts timing my contractions and is getting her pace. Quickly, she realizes I’m having contractions quite fast and more frequently. But I have to go to the bathroom…” OK, ok, we will leave right after I go to the bathroom,” I argue, not looking forward to it all. Oh, and by the way, this will explain how I learned how to cook…

Being a Single Mom = superhuman strength

I finish with the bathroom, and she hustles me into the Minivan. At that point I am feeling a lot of pressure and I finally agree, “your right, we do need to go.” …then…

Realizing that the baby was really low and the contractions were getting strong, I tell Melissa, “I think you are right and you should go faster”. Well, if you know Melissa, that means she went from 55 miles per hour to 60 miles per hour.

Frustrated but battling my body to slow down, she revs up the on-ramp of the Dallas North Tollway. I grab ahold of the “oh shit” handles and have a colossal contraction that leads to another contraction. Hearing my own cries as if I’m outside my own body I think, ‘simmer down!’

Only to my surprise, that giant-on-giant contraction led to my water busting all over her front seat and “Carly’s” head hitting the bottom. When I say “hitting the bottom,” I mean falling out. Meaning, baby here. Otherwise known as “Oh shit!”….which is precisely what I was yelling over and over.

Her head is out!

”Melissa!!!!! She’s here…her head is out!!” I’m screaming. “Where is a freakin’ napkin???!!”

Melissa replies, as she’s now going 63 miles per hour on the Tollway, “No way!” She puts her hand down and says, “We should pull over and get the paramedics to handle this.”

”No way, Jose!! I’ve already gotten this far and taken my OB class at LVN school…I’m fully equipped!! Keep going, I’m pulling her out!!” I say abundantly dramatic.

So, I push her the rest of the way out— mind you, without a napkin, towel, or Kleenex. (What kind of monster friend do I have with a clean minivan and three little kids herself??) Anyway…I remove my robe and wrap her in it, with the cord still intact. I swab her mouth out with my robe, turn her over to make sure no meconium was aspirated, and pull up my shirt to go skin-to-skin with her. She’s purple, but I can tell she’s stunning…and breathing well. Her beauty truly takes me aback while I stare at her. (I promise this explains how I learned how to cook)

I tell Melissa, “Wow…look how gorgeous she is!”

Melissa responds, “Yeah, of course she is. Count her fingers and toes.” So I check all the fingers and toes while wiping off all the stuff we don’t like to talk about. Melissa and I gaze at each other…we just had a baby together!! 😅

At this point, she continued to find the closest hospital we could get to at that moment. She pulled up to Presbyterian Plano’s Emergency Room. She ran in and told the secretary her friend just had a baby in the car. The secretary ran out to see if it was true and then ran back to the hospital. Then, about 20 people, including doctors, nurses, and paramedics, came rushing out with white coats flapping in the wind towards me.

This Single Mom won’t turn down a doctor pulling her out of a minivan.

Boy, oh boy! Did the hunk patrol come running out of that ER?!

“We are going to have to carry you out since she’s still attached. Can we carry you?”

”Oh, that would be fine, sir. Thank you.” As my googly- eyes flap towards his. (Mind you, I’m half naked, cold, and have unknown birthing cheese all over me. I’m sure I smelled like an Angel.)

So the hunky ER doctor lifts me and “Carly” out and puts us on the stretcher to meet more hunky paramedics helping.

“Wow! Why didn’t you call 911?” They ask.

”Oh, we were already on our way.” I reply as if it makes total sense. At this time, I shoo off the comment as if I’m late for the party and here-I-am-so-let’s-move-on-with-it-kind-of-thing. Hey–, I’m a single Mom; things don’t have to make sense as long as they make sense to me.

“Oh, look at all the people,” the single mom says.

As they cart me inside to take our vitals, I’m glued to all the chaos that‘s surrounding me. Quickly, I realize the chaos is me! I’m the circus show. There were students (lots of them), nurses (male and female), paramedics, doctors, delivery nurses, the whole kit and kabootle!

They start by cutting the cord to her…which I was able to do! How cool is that, huh?! Well, this super cute and nice paramedic and I are cutting the cord to my placenta, and he states, “You know if this happens to you next time…you can just take your shoelaces off and tie off the cord.” I look up, smile, and say, ”No kidding! Didn’t even think of that! I mean, I don’t have any shoes on this time….I guess I must put on shoes next time…well, did you know my friend doesn’t even keep a Kleenex in her car?” as I smile generously and gaze at him.

Good friends don’t come easy.

“Melissa,” I say, “Please send me the bill for the car wash you may need after giving me a ride.“ I tell her that night, “God only knows how I just single-handedly totaled out your car within a 10-minute drive. Sorry about that.” She laughs and thinks it’s got to be the most hilarious thing that’s ever happened to her.

We look at each other, like a married couple, and gaw over her. We laugh and laugh and laugh about, “Did that just really happen??..and did Dr. McDreamy really just lift my incontinent self out of your minivan??” Noooo…..🤣

Big decisions for a single lady.

The nurse continued to take my admission questionnaire and asked me what her name would be. I said, “Carly…but wait…” I look at Melissa. “I just had her in the car, and now it’s really weird. Carly and being born in the car…too ironic.”

The nurse replies, “I think it’s a sign of the right name.”

I look at Melissa and rebuttal, “Nah, too cheesy now. My backup name (and the one that my now ex-husband hated) was Phoenix. I like the name! Just like the Phoenix came out of the blazing fire, born anew into the earth. It’s perfect, different, but I really like it, and… she’s my symbol of a new life.”

The nurse looks at me sideways, “ok, well…that’s all fine, but…when was she born?”

Melissa and I look at each other and shrug shoulders, “I think it was midnight.”

The nurse says, “Well, then, I guess it’s your choice on what day it will be her birthday.”

Woah…so many big choices in one day! February 12th, 2010. (2/12/10) cause I liked the numbers and it was close to Valentines day (which I was hoping for). You know, even choosing my own baby’s birthday…I still found myself boogled by how often I got the numbers mixed up. Wait 2-12-10? no 2-10-12…no 12-2-10…no, that doesn’t make sense! Brain fog is a real thing…for years. Forgive me.

We head to the room.

That’s when things got real. Melissa had to go home to her family, and I had a new baby to care for. Thanks to some wonderful nurses, I slept that night, but from then on…I couldn’t let her go. (p.s. I will explain how I learned how to cook)

Phoenix was her name. She symbolized a new life and new beginnings for me. I called my soon-to-be ex-shithead and told him what a badass I was without him and where he could kiss it. I’m kidding; I told him she was beautiful and perfect in every way and that we were both okay (thanks to Melissa’s uber-safe-under-the-speed-limit-driving). He was in shock. I was in shock. But I was the happiest I had been in a long time…and I was free from worrying about a guy that only God could help.

The family came to see us.

I remember my Dad stopping by. He was ecstatic, as always, to see his grandkids, and I was ecstatic to see him.

“Well, can I ask why you chose the name Phoenix?” Quickly, I rebuttle, “I thought El Paso was a little weird, so I went with Phoenix to be safe”.

He comes in and asks to hold her. So he goes, washes his hands, and grabs my bundle of joy. I sit up and chat with him about my exciting night with Phoenix and Melissa. He chuckles at my story of her entrance and asks, ‘“Well, can I ask why you chose the name Phoenix?” Quickly, I rebuttal, “I thought El Paso was a little weird, so I went with Phoenix to be safe.” We both laugh out loud, and I stick with my answer. He never asked again (which I thought was the funniest part, ha ha ha).

All friends and family come in and out the next day. Fortunately, we got to go home the next day. Actually, I had school on Monday, and there was a big exam.

Nothing stops single Moms.

No, seriously. I was in LVN school, and I wasn’t about to fail now. I was going to finish this school on top!

So I left the hospital just to go back to school the next day and finish my test. I aced it and left. Melissa watched her while I was gone for an hour or so and came back. From then on, Melissa watched her every day that I had to go to school (Monday through Friday) from 9 to 2 because daycare doesn’t take them that young. She was a savior in so many ways. I mean, there are some girlfriends that you will always hold close to your heart.

I graduated a couple of months later. Soon after, I got a job and started my journey as a single mom, which lasted for many years. From then on, I had to figure out SO MUCH! Most of all, I learned how never to give up.

Single Mom(ed) Learning Curves

Some of you might relate to the fact that I was doing most of the parenting to begin with. Of course, schooling and all the home responsibilities were overwhelming. I needed an outlet.

So, I pulled an ungodly amount of weeds to vent my frustrations. I even dug a grave in the backyard for my ex-husband. However, I didn’t get very far—there was too much to do and not enough time to hunt him down and put him in it. See, I read somewhere that it helps to get the anger out physically to help the grieving process. It did honestly help, but I came to better terms.

I loved the feeling of giving, sharing, and bringing joy to my kids and friends. I haven’t stopped ever since.

That’s when I realized I refused to eat TV dinners and expensive pre-made meals. Not only did I have to figure out dinner financially, but I also wanted to feed them something decent. So I started watching the Food Network, psycho-reading Cookbooks like they were dirty novels, and experimenting with any idea or thought I had.

Not only was I saving money, but my creative side came out. It was becoming a “fix.” Feeling proud, I would bring my generous neighbors homemade bread and baked goods. I loved the feeling of giving, sharing, and bringing joy to my kids and friends. I haven’t stopped ever since.

This is why this blog started as a farm story about a blended family and has, for the most part, included so many recipes I love. However, I would NEVER deprive you of the looney-ness that ensues in my life daily.

Single Momming was fun.

Occasionally, I wished I could share moments with someone, but for the most part, my heart was full. Nothing stopped me because I had irreplaceable friends and a die-hard heart for my kids. These kids would be amazing people, and I would make sure of that.

I thank God for healthy children and friends who are part of the family.

And then, almost five years later…Kevin moves in across the street…