By seasoned I mean ripe. Ripe like ‘been there seen that’ and probably took home the participation ribbon.

Here are my top 10 secrets that have kept me surviving:

10. The bottom of your feet will never be the same. Lego’s and army men that you NEVER EVEN BOUGHT will somehow become embedded in your feet at 4 am, AT ANY TIME up to the first 18 years. Keep shoes on at all times. This is why Grandma wore slippers.

9. Pregnancy brings these righteous nipples. They may seem to get better, but don’t be fooled. Even when completely facing south, your husband can spot them 100 miles away. This is why Grandma wore a ROBE with her slippers. It all makes sense!

8. Kids really can live off chicken nuggets alone. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. It must be similar to how dogs eat the same food every day. They know what to expect and they just keep eating. I’ll never understand. Don’t argue with them, somehow they survive it.

7. If you thought THAT diaper was bad, well, you haven’t seen NOTHIN’! Just wait for the diapers they throw at you during appointments or while you are boarding a plane. THAT diaper is meant to destroy. Strip them naked (with a diaper) and continue on! Take that walk of poop shame and own it!

6. Just figure out how to sleep sitting up. You’ll save yourself so much time if you just don’t sleep. No time crunches when you can sleep anywhere and anytime! And, so I hear you may be a zombie. —no seriously, find time for everyone to have a downtime. Learn how to be still. It saves sanity, well, what’s left of it.

5. Always have fun. No matter the expense. For me, it usually is at the expense of my kids. I love tricks. Keep them laughing—or just keep laughing at them.

4. When you want to WRASTLE your kid (get upset with them) for whatever reason (probably for good reason), just remember when you walk away speaking in tongues, you win. They know when they mess up. All they need is that look or tone (OR JUST A CRAZY SPOUT OF WORDS). Plus, if you act real crazy you both end up laughing and talking about it.

3. Stay consistent. So if you are in the grocery store and you have one acting up, you may be appealed to pinch the elbow and guide with force. I assure you this is a BAD idea, beeecause, they then SCREAM, “OWW MOM! YOU ARE HURTING MY ARM!” Therefore you are NOW in a new CPS case before you even leave with the tomatoes.

2. Don’t give up on discipline. Husbands need a lot of it.

1. Your family is the best thing that ever happened to you, no matter the situation. I’ve never had someone in my life that challenges ALL of me —and I love them for it. They have taught me how to love harder and love stronger. Don’t forget to have fun and just BE YOURSELF. Your family loves you and all of you. Even the fails.

What kind of lessons learned have you had?

Farmer Franny